Monthly Snaps of Life

Sunday Surprise dinner with Sam, FHE treat at DQ, First time with Slurpees!, Heart shaped Mother's Day bath, Jackman boys soccer team, Gabe's band concert

Zandra's dance recital (So you think you can dance routine). She was by far the best. Just sayin'.

Embrace your strengths, work on your weaknesses...

Because there wasn't enough soccer being played in our home, both Zach and Zandra tried out for the school soccer teams and made them.

It means sometimes Zach plays soccer after school with the school team, then heads to his regular soccer. Even he admitted he's tired:(

It also means that there's more soccer games for us to attend. This past week, both kids, had a soccer tournament during the day - on the same day! The "job" thing that I do and earn a living from is really quite inconvenient on these kind of days. Anyhow, both Rob and I made it to Zandra's last game, and the last two of Zach's (Zandra's were almost all in the morning and Zach's were later in the day).

They both played amazing and their teams both progressed to the next tournament (yah more missed work!)

However, at Zach's game we were witness to some disgruntled parents.

I swear, boys don't have problems until their mothers get involved.

The coach of the team is a hard core competitor. Great guy- he happens to also be Sam's teacher this year, so we know him quite well. His mentality is not the "everyone makes the team, everyone gets the same game time, everyone gets a trophy" kinda guy. He wants to win. He told the boys upfront that he won't worry about "fair game time", but will play whoever is playing their best that day. He didn't select some players for the team because he said they just weren't good enough. Ouch. Not the thing to say in our neighborhood.

While we stood cheering for our team on the sidelines, we got to overhear some conversations that a couple of Moms had. In fact, one of these Moms came up to my friend and says "aren't you glad your son joined the team to be a benchwarmer?" She then encouraged my friend to go over to the coach and complain and make a scene that her kid wasn't playing as much ---- much like the scene she had made earlier that Rob and I were witness to.

Ugly. Embarrassing.

I'm sure your 12 year old son loved hearing you berate the coach about how upset you were that your son wasn't being played, it just wasn't fair, he's been sitting on the bench too long etc.

THAT made it so much better for your kid. Hope his friends heard it all too.

I did appreciate the teacher's response that "life is not fair, and sports will teach kids that."

So, you may be thinking that I wasn't upset simply because my kid plays well
and was on non stop.

I was secretly hoping one of the women would say something to me. I had it all planned out what I would say. But no one asked (they ignored me - I'm not part of their "stay at home" crowd), so I'll just blog about it.

Here's what I was thinking:

Yes, my kid has been on the field nonstop (and he has scored 3 out of the 7 goals that they scored all day). And I'm so glad he has played all day because THIS is his thing. THIS is where he gets to feel good about himself. THIS is where the ridiculous number of hours he puts into soccer every day, every week, year round pays off.

I don't see you mothers caring if your kid comments to my child (or any other child) that he/she is not smart enough (What? You don't know your kid can be outright arrogant and mean when it comes to his math skills?)  You don't seem to mind my kid being put in the back row for a musical performance, or a dance recital. You certainly wouldn't mind if my kid wasn't selected to spell words at a spelling B. You really don't care that my kid may struggle with reading, or keeping his/her stuff organized, or he/she struggles with long jump and running for distance. You also don't seem to mind throwing a birthday party and not inviting my kid.

Heck, no. You are just worried that your kid is not playing as much soccer as mine for ONE day and it's "not fair."

Well, helicopter Mom, life is "not fair" - at least in the way you are looking at fairness. (Rob commented that he couldn't stand being so close to the Moms because he couldn't hear himself think past the noise of their helicopter blades!)

Fairness is every kid getting what they need. Not every kid getting exactly the same treatment.

I don't know about you, but I'm not so good at a lot of things.

If I was playing soccer, I'd be the bench warmer. But thrilled to have at least made the team! Now, would it be nice if I was given the opportunity to play more so that would give me a chance to get better? Sure. But maybe not at a tournament It's only in the movies where they put the kid on the field who is not the best player and is the reason they win the game. Not reality.

The reality is, or at least what I'm teaching my kids, you aren't going to be good at everything. That's ok. Embrace your strengths, work on your weaknesses, but don't feel bad that you're not the best at everything! Know what you're good at and be proud. Know what you are not good at, work hard at it, get better at it, but please please please,  celebrate with those who are good at it! You know, maybe they could help you get better. But not if you are bitter at them for being better.

I guess having 5 kids comes in handy sometimes. There is built in competition between all my kids - some excel and some crash - in the same things.

But man, do I have some seriously talented kids. Just in different areas. We want to celebrate their strengths and help with their weaknesses. Fairness, is making sure they all have opportunities to develop their skill sets - that's what I want to aim for. That's how I want to make "life fair" for them.

We left the soccer game feeling the eyes burning in our backs from these Moms. Sorry they weren't able to celebrate in the overall teams success, never mind my kids's success. Sorry that they couldn't set the example of being a team player, and being ok with not being the star on the team. Sorry that they likely made their kid feel worse than he did by just sitting on the bench and playing a bit less time.

We just went home and celebrated what my kid happens be good at.

And tomorrow, we'll keep working at what he is not good at too.

Great Expectations and Examples

I had two conversations recently that got me thinking a lot about expectations and the importance of being a good example.

Both conversations were about Mother's Day.

Both were women who were disappointed in how their children had treated them - or not treated them on Mother's Day. Their kids had "forgotten" about Mother's Day, or treated it casually and quite thoughtlessly.

I felt bad for both of them. One of them pointed out how she does everything for her kids; is always there for them, running around, doing everything...the nerve of them to not even acknowledge the day.

So I shared with her my favorite excerpt from the book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua. Now, I know this was a very controversial book. However, there was one particular section in it that changed me forever. I talked about the book more here, but I'll recap for you what I had written back then:


The Birthday card story: I loved this story and shared it with my kids because I think her point is extremely valuable. Her husband makes dinner reservations at some mediocre restaurant for her birthday (because he had left it too late to get into a really good restaurant) and her daughters give her some lame, half hearted, thrown together, handmade birthday card. Now many mothers would praise anything their kids give them, and shower them with gratitude for the card. But instead she says:

"I don't want this, I want a better one - one that you've put some thought and effort into. I have a special box, where I keep all my cards from you and this one can't go in there"...." What if I gave you this for your birthday - would you like that? But I never would do that. No - I get you magicians and giant slides that cost me hundreds of dollars. I get you huge icecream cakes shaped like penguins, and I spend half my salary on stupid sticker and eraser party favours that everyone throws away. I work so hard to give you good birthdays! I deserve better than this. So I reject this."

Wow. Hard core. But think about it...is it not true?? Why do we as mother's lower our expectations and allow our kids (or other people for that matter) to treat us like that? Do we not deserve better? Do our children not need to learn how to treat us - which in turn influences how they treat their future spouses? Whenever I think I am being hard on my kids, I ask myself, do I really want them to accept the lowest common denominator? Or should I not teach them to expect more as they deserve more? I am trying to teach them their value - their infinite worth - so why should I undervalue my own? 

I shared the story with my kids, so from now on I expect incredible birthdays....

She goes on to say "It's too idealistic to expect children to do the right thing on their own". They need to be taught the proper way of doing things -and sometimes that means letting them know (maybe not so harshly though?? Although sometimes that seems to be the only way to be taken seriously?!). We teach people how to treat us - so if we want to be treated well, we need to demand that. Of course, I think we can make a much better point by not acting so poorly in demanding that respect. But the main point is valuable I think. 

So, when I heard the story of how disappointed these Moms were with Mother's Day, this section of the book came to mind. And I still stand behind the fact that reading it was life changing for me.

I am pretty hard on my kids when it comes to special occasions: I have set the expectations for each occasion - and for each person. "Yes, you do need to do something for your brother's birthday. I don't care if you are not with us for her birthday, you still do something. No, you need to acknowledge both your Dad's birthday and Father's Day even though they sometimes fall on the same day."

And you know what? My kids have lived up to those expectations.

Do they need reminding? Yes.

Do they sometimes need help? Yes.

Do they disappoint at times? Yes.

But they DO something. They know they are not expected to go out and buy something, or spends tons of money. But whatever they do HAS to take effort and it HAS to take thought. A card thrown together at the last minute doesn't cut it.

However, to live up to those expectations, they need something else.

EXAMPLE.

They need to see both Rob and I doing it for each other, and also doing it for those who mean something to us.

They are not witness to lavish gifts, or grand gesture (although occasionally they do see some pretty sweet gifts:). But they do see handmade cards, poems, CDs, photos, sketches. They do see telephone calls, emails, and texts. They do see special meals, cakes, chocolates, flowers, and outings to celebrate. They see real effort and thoughtfulness.

I'm hoping that high expectations, combined with example, will help shape my kids into thoughtful, considerate human beings, who will one day make very good partners (and attract very good partners:)

I'm hoping that they learn the infinite worth of each individual and that they expect to be treated with that same respect. We teach people how to treat us. And how they treat us can often be a reflection of how they feel we treat them.

(and yes, I know there is controversy surrounding setting expectations... don't get me started on that. My experience so far is that low expectations brings low results; the opposite holds true too:) Aim high. 

Quote of the Week

I know this is sort of along the same line as last week's quote, but it complemented my genius quote from last week, that I had to share - as sort of a part two:

"Don't ever mistake

my SILENCE for ignorance

my CALMNESS for acceptance

or my KINDNESS for weakness" 

Seriously good, right?

I actually especially like the kindness one.

Isn't that the truth though? Sometimes the ones who put others first, put their family first, make choices that sometimes sacrifice their own desires - are sometimes seen as the weaker people. 

But do not make that very very narrow assumption. Kindness is not weakness. It is the pillar of strength and confidence. It is what we all need to be striving for.

Motherhood Smotherhood

I remember years ago seeing the movie "Stepmom" in theatres (with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon) 15 years ago.

I loved the movie then. I actually love any movie that makes me cry - and this one was no exception.

Little did I know that 15 years later, I would still love the movie, but I would also be living the life.

I was surprised to see that they showed the movie on TV on Mother's Day. Weird, because Mother's Day is an extremely tricky day for many Stepmoms.

Mother's Day is a day that many of us celebrate motherhood. However, for many, being a Stepmom does not qualify as "real motherhood".

Of course, having my own biological children means that Mother's Day is not one of those awkward, sad days for me. And having amazing step kids also means that Mother's Day is a celebration for me for being a Stepmom too. I am extremely grateful to have the family that I have. But I do feel for those Stepmom's who are not in the same situation - those who don't get to have their motherhood celebrated.

At church they usually hand out some little gifts to celebrate Mother's Day. I love that they give every woman, over the age of 18, a gift. Why? Because motherhood stretches far past the definition of bearing children. Any woman, involved in touching the life of a child, is mothering. And that should be celebrated.

Back to the Stepmom movie.

Man, this movie has it right in so many ways.

I am a Stepmom, so can relate to Julia Roberts (the Stepmom) and how she feels.

But, I actually can look at Susan Sarandon (the Bio-mom) and relate to how she feels too. I can relate to her on the level of my boys having a Stepmom (although on and off) in their lives. And, I can also look at her and see how her reactions mimic very closely some of the actions/behaviours my skids' Mom has.

The fear of being replaced. The insecurity that the Stepmom will do things better, or that the kids will like her better. The need to compete. The need to try to make the Stepmom look bad. It is such a challenging relationship.

Although, in all fairness, the Mom in this movie is dying, so I think that introduces a whole different dynamic, where I think some of the insecurities are generally more "warranted".

But I think it comes down to confidence. Confidence of being a mother. Confidence of being a Stepmother. Confidence to pretend to have confidence even when you are feeling pretty unsure of yourself.

And the truth is? There is no replacement for a mother - so moms have no need to fear.

And I'm happy to say, there is a no replacement for a stepmother either.

In the movie, Susan Sarandon and Julia Roberts have the most beautiful conversation, where Julia Roberts is talking about her insecurities as a Stepmom: "You know every story, every wound, every memory. Their whole life's happiness is wrapped up in you...every single second. Don't you get it? Look down the road to her wedding. I'm in a room alone with her, fixing her veil, fluffing her dress, telling her no woman ever looked so beautiful. And my fear is she'll be thinking, "I wish my mom was here"

Then, Susan Sarandon responds, "And mine is...she won't....The thing is, they don't have to choose. They can have us both and be better for it. I have their past, you can have their future."

I cried at the end of the movie the first time round because you know that the Mom is going to die shortly. It is just so unfair, so sad.

But this time round, I cried for a different reason.  Yes, I cried because the Mom was going to die shortly. But I also cried because the Mom had given her children the greatest gift ever - the knowledge that their Mom loved them, and the permission for them to also love another woman - and be loved by another woman - in a motherly way.

Movies aside, the reality is the mom does have her children's past, but both the mom and the stepmom have their futures. The kids really will be better for it.

And you know what, so will both women.

Quote of the week

"Do not line the higher road with chickens."

Great quote - right?

I made it up, in case you have never heard of it.

I am running a communication group with 12 of my clients. Obviously, given my job and education, communication is my thing. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't run into the occasional (cough, cough) communication challenge. I'm human. But generally speaking, I'm a good communicator (or so I've been told.)

For this group, I had to create the course content, so that meant doing even more research about communication. Of course, the best part about teaching is you always end up learning so much.

But you also often get to have some things confirmed - something that is also nice. Encourages you to keep doing what you are doing.

One of the things we discussed in the group was SILENCE.

Silence is a very powerful communication tool.

Very powerful.

Silence can mean a bunch of different things. It can be very positive or very negative. It can be a useful tool, if it is eventually explained. In fact, I encourage my clients to use silence as a way to process and a way to plan an answer. However, one cannot assume that silence means something specific.

One thing that silence is not, is a form of taking the higher road.

You know the old "I'm not going to dignify that with a response." To me, that usually means you know you don't have anything really to say that can hold water. (It's sort of like when people say "with all due respect" and then say the meanest things... Saying "with all due respect" doesn't give you the license to be rude!!!)

Back to silence. You have to be really careful with silence because what you don't say, other people can make up about you. It's better to get your truth out there rather than someone else's lies or stories.

Silence often is also taken to mean agreement - not disagreement - and that is what I am trying to teach my kids to really be careful about. Have the courage to speak your mind, share your opinions and emotions, disagree if you must, but don't play the card of "I'm taking the higher road by NOT responding to you." In other words, don't be chicken. Stand by what you really think.

The higher road is about dealing with a situation with love and compassion. It's about doing something for the better of someone else, and maybe sacrificing a bit of yourself to do it. It is filled with an attempt to find a "win-win" solution. It's about trying to assume the best.

The higher road is not lined with chickens; it is not lined with disrespect, fear and ignorance. It is not the road you take when you can't be bothered, are too intimidated, or angry. It is not the road to take to avoid dealing with situations, or consequences. In fact - it is the exact road you take to take responsibility and accountability. Silence can have a spot on the higher road for sure - but you have to be careful that everyone knows what message silence is supposed to send. Don't use silence as an avoidance technique or a way to avoid accountability. Take the higher road by expressing and asserting yourself and your needs and be respectful and compassionate to the needs of others.

Happy Birthday Zandra B!!

Today Zandra turns 12.

Happy Birthday Sweet Pea!!

I have known her exactly half her life! It feels good saying that because everyday now I can say she has spent more of her life with our family than without!

12 is also a special year, because in our faith, it's the year you transition into being a "Young Woman"... which means you get to start attending all the youth activities and they are super fun!!! And, you are growing up....

We are only celebrating her birthday next weekend (her friend party too) since she is at her Mom's this weekend , but we did get to steal her away for an hour this morning to take her out to breakfast!

She is truly a special girl and I'm so lucky to have her in my life. We were talking the other day about how when someone walks in the room you can feel their energy. Some are like dark clouds and storms, and some are sunnier. I told her she is like the biggest ray of sunshine when she walks into any room. People are drawn to her because of her warmth and radiance.

Here are 12 things I love about this girl:

1. Her HUGE heart. She is so thoughtful, loving and kind.

2. Her amazing hugs and kisses. Zandra's love language is physical affection. There is nothing better than getting and giving a hug from this girl. I love when she sneaks off to me in the school yard (when it's not our day she has to do this quickly and sneakily to not upset her Mom) and gives me a huge hug and says she misses me. I miss her so much too and I hope she knows she is always in my thoughts...

3. Her smile and laugh. It is never far! Even if she feels a little grumpy, you can get her to smile:) She loves to laugh and she really does light up a room.

4. Her creativity . You can always count on her to be coming up with a great idea, or making a new craft, or sewing or knitting, or making lipgloss. This girl has serious talent.

5. Her helpfulness. Always offering to help - even when it's not technically "her" day to help.

6. The tickles and hairstyling she gives. Pure heaven. I'd take her over a spa any day. And I do... I'm so lucky!

7. Her innocence. I love how she is still so pure in heart. She doesn't do things maliciously. She is surprised when her friends betray her. She tries to make everyone happy and treat everyone fairly. She wouldn't hurt a flea and trusts everyone around her.

8. Her girliness: She is all sparkles, glitter and nail polish. Loves to dress up, dance and spend girl time. Or loves a good date with her Dad. She is our princess that's for sure.

9. Her hard work: When she's stuck on something, she works at it! She puts so much time into projects whether for school or at home. She has learned to become a disciplined student and puts lots of effort in. These traits will carry her far in life.

10. She's an awesome sister: She really has a special bond with each of her brothers. Whether she is the younger sister who takes advice and is protected, the family twin that shares the secrets, or the adoring and protective older sister who keeps the little boys in line, she is loved.

11. She's an awesome daughter: Daddy's girl for sure, and she loves that role almost as much as her Daddy loves her. Their bedtime routine together is hilarious! They even have little bird calls to each other! It's so amazing to watch and I'm so happy for her to have an example of a true man; a role model of the kind of man we hope will be worthy enough to have her one day (far off:))

Words cannot express the joy I get from this girl! I was so blessed to be placed in the role of Stepmom to her. We are actually proof that nurture and environment play a strong role as we too share so many similarities:)) She is so loved and needed in our home.

12. Her sweet spirit : You know how some people are just "good?"She is one of those people (much like her Dad I might add; just solid "good") She has the sweetest spirit and it comes out wherever she is. She has a desire to do good, to be good. A desire to love, share, be kind. She loves family, friend, nature, animals and her Heavenly Father. I hope she also always remembers how much she is loved and valued, here and beyond.

Happy Birthday Amazing Sweet Pea!!

 

 

 

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So for her birthday celebrations here, she had a little party. It was a spa/sleepover party and the idea was the girls would do their nails and their hair, then watch a movie and have a sleepover.

 

Their nails partially got done, with a lot of giggling and boy talk.

 

We then had some pizza and homemade raspberry filled lemon cupcakes, and they watched movies and giggled into the wee hours.

 

We had nice little family dinner for her too to celebrate:)

 

Here's some pics of the celebrations!